All About All-You-Can-Eat

In Defense of Buffets

Sometimes buffets get a bad rap, generally on two fronts: (1) the quality of the food isn’t as good as you’d get by ordering off the menu; (2) it’s all about (and only about) the gluttony. I’d agree that the first point is usually true, although it doesn’t have to be. I’ve been to buffets where the food is brought out in small batches, maintained at a high level and replenished often. As for the second point, I’d also agree somewhat, but there are other benefits to buffets beside the humongous quantities of food available.

• The speed factor. The the food is ready, so all you have to do is serve yourself, eliminating the time-consuming formality of reading the menu, ordering and waiting for the food to be cooked.

• Variety: Can't decide between black bean chicken and Chung King pork? Have ‘em both (along with three other chicken dishes, two other seafood dishes, a half dozen wings and a whole lotta ribs). Ditto for the barbecue buffet: why decide between ribs, brisket, pulled pork and chicken when you can have all four?

• A chance to try something new: Beyond deciding between favorites, buffets are a great way to try items you’ve never had before, risk-free. There are some dishes you might not want to commit to sight unseen. Sure, it may sound good on the menu, but you’re not quite sure it’s going to be what you hope it is. At a buffet, you get to be Peyton Manning, reading the defense and going with the options that look best.

• Creativity: This is your chance to channel your inner Bobby Flay and try spiral patterns of yellow and red sauces on a plate, and balance three ribs in a teepee formation on top. Or you could "plate" (a verb nowadays) a pile of collard greens, with four slices of brisket artistically fanned around it. Amuse yourself, impress your friends and have fun.

• The Hyperspace button: In the rarest of cases—and I hope it doesn’t happen to you—you might see an array of food that looks so unappetizing, this advance screening is a cue to bail out before suffering a bad meal.

Buffet Strategies

Most of these are simple common sense, but maybe you'll find a tip or two:

• Get a good seat. You don't have to sit right on top of the buffet, but it's always a good idea to have a good view. This is critical to the "Eat what's best, part 4" strategy described below.
• Plan your attack. Survey the entire buffet before putting the first morsel on your plate. There’s a good chance that there are more items on that buffet than you can possibly eat in one meal. Knowing what’s available will help you decide what’s worth taking and what’s worth leaving behind. If you’re trying to minimize calories, plan your attack by declaring to your dining mates that you’re only making 1 trip, or avoiding anything fried, or whatever works for you. On a barbecue buffet, it’s all about the meat for me, so I usually try to avoid sides that are high in calories (baked beans), carbs (mashed potatoes) and fat (fried foods).

• Use a small plate: There's a big stack of plates specifically intended for you to use, but most buffets have smaller bread plates that I prefer. This prevents you from over-loading the plate with so much food that it will be cold by the time you get to the bottom. Instead, get two or three items that are hot and eat them while they’re hot. You can keep going back.

• Eat what's best, part 1: Say you’ve got ribs, chicken and brisket on your plate and the ribs are good, but not great. But the brisket’s the best you’ve had in a while. Go back for seconds and get some more of that brisket. If you just ordered ribs or chicken off the menu, you’d never know.

• Eat what's best, part 2: If you like chicken thighs but hate chicken legs, load up on thighs and leave the legs for those who like ‘em. If you like chicken wing drumettes but hate that 2-bone wing piece, load up on the drumettes. Everybody gets the piece they want, so everybody wins.

• Eat what's best, part 3: Here, there are winners and losers. Not only do you like drumettes, you particularly like those extra meaty drumettes. Using the stainless steel tongs with the skill of a surgeon, you pluck out the four meatiest ones in the tray, leaving the skimpy ones for the sap behind you. You win, and it’s okay to win, as long as you don’t run up the score.

• Eat what's best, part 4: In this one, everyone's a winner, but you win more. This is a rule I strictly adhere to at a Chinese buffet. Never, ever—and I mean ever—take food from a tray that’s less than 1/4 full. It means the food is old, and you’re likely to get much better quality by waiting until the tray gets re-loaded. Just like the skimpy meat, leave the old food for the sap behind you, and wait for the good stuff. If you want the General Gau’s chicken but it looks old, get the rainbow shrimp this time and re-deploy the General to your next trip. Remember, you’re Peyton Manning, reading the defense and attacking it to win. Waiting may not appeal to you if you don’t have a whole lot of time, but if you master the art of the hover-and-descend, you’ll get good stuff with minimal inconvenience.

• You can order off the menu too: Just because the buffet is all-you-can-eat doesn’t mean it’s ridiculous to order something off the menu. If a joint makes really good fried pickles, but they’re not on the buffet, go ahead and get those too.

• Use your waiter: Just because the buffet is self-serve doesn’t mean it’s ridiculous to ask your waiter for some service beyond drink refills. If the pulled pork wasn't available, there's nothing wrong with asking your waiter to bring you a small dish of it when it's ready.

• Avoid desserts: There are exceptions to this rule. But unless you’re at a hotel brunch or there’s a world renowned pastry chef involved, you’re better off sampling more of the main course items than wasting your time on the second rate cakes typically found at a buffet. On Chinese buffets, some would also say skip the soup, but I always try the soup if I’m at a place for the first time.

Buffet Ettiquette

• Don't push, don't shove, don't spit, and don't use your fingers when serving.
• Don't use the tongs from one tray to reach into a different tray, especially tongs that have handled meat into a tray of vegetables. I know it’s hard to believe, but there may be some vegetarians at a barbecue buffet who don’t want their veggies to taste like meat. (I love my vegetables to taste like meat, by the way.)
• You're probably going to get your money's worth and more. If the restaurant owner loses a little money on you, there's nothing wrong with it, but I like the win-win. Be a sport and show a little appreciation by at least springing for one drink. You want to keep a good thing going, don't you?

• They call it “all you can eat.” It’s not called “all you and your friend can eat,” so if you order the buffet and your friend doesn’t, no sneaking food across the table onto his plate. Don’t even think of asking me to smuggle a wing over to you if I get the buffet and you don’t. One other thing: it’s also not called “all you can eat today and tomorrow,” so don’t bring Tupperware along to maximize your intake.

• If there are only 2 ribs left and there’s a sad looking fat guy in line who looks like he wants one, take one and leave him one. No, that fat guy won’t be me. If there are only 2 ribs left, you can have ‘em. I’ll wait for a fresh batch.